I am typing this one handed because after a trying night the little one is finally sleeping soundly kangaroo style on my chest. Last night I realized parenthood is an infinitely humbling experience. Had I written this post yesterday it would have sounded differently, more sunshine and confidence. I probably would have reported that after two weeks at home we were finally finding a groove where I wasn't so hopelessly horribly sleep deprived, that between me and terry sharing turns at nighttime parenting it was manageable.
And then last night struck and knocked me down a post or two.
Terry and I have developed a loving categorizing system for the little man's moods: gizmo or gremlin. Gizmo is cute and warm and cuddly. At night he falls asleep w/o much fuss after feedings and sleeps (even if only an hour or two) until the next feed. Gremlin is fussy, usually because he's working on a major poo or is farting up a storm (Liam will probably hate me one day for broadcasting that--mom you're so embarrassing!). On a great rare night he's all gizmo. On a good night you get a mix. Last night I got nothin' but gremlin.
But you probably need to understand more of the nighttime math to appreciate why last night brought me to my knees. Terry took first shift and fed him at midnight, so I got to sleep about 3 hours from when I fell asleep after pumping at 11 and when I awoke to Liam's fussing at 1:36am. I felt like a car wreck from waking out of deep sleep but I dutifully woke, reminded myself how much I love the little guy, and went to make a bottle. There wasnt enough breastmilk in the fridge, so I mixed up some formula and put it in that warmer. When it was done I went to check on him and he is still in his little newborn napper (Part of his pack n play where he sleeps in his own space in our room) but he is not fussing. I wait a while and then go to pump. Because sleep increases prolactin levels, which increases milk production, which means more time pumping before empty, I return after pumping for 25 minutes. He is still, somewhat irritatingly asleep. So I lay down in bed for 30 minutes or so until he becomes fussy again. Then I get up and reheat the bottle and feed him. The feeding takes about 30 minutes or so (20-45 is the distribution), plus a few minutes to change him. And all he wants to do is fuss and fuss. Dr Sear's book says that babies take 20 minutes to go from light sleep to heavy sleep, so I rock him and jiggle him and cuddle him in the rocking chair for 30 minutes, just to be on the safe side. Then I lay him down, where he rests for about 15 minutes and starts fussing.
And remember, all this while the clock on my need to pump has been counting as well. Because when I say he eats every 2-3 hours and I pump every 2-3 hours, that is from start of feeding or pumping to the next start. So even if I start feeding him at 1 am and he takes 45 minutes, he may want to eat again at 3 am, meaning that between feeding him for 45 minutes, changing him, pumping for 20 minutes, settling him for 30 minutes, I may only get to lay down for 15 minutes before he wants to do it all over again. And because I myself have to keep pumping, I can never lay down really for more than 3 hours.
So that's the math. That is what had me awake this morning from 1:30ish until 4:50ish when, just as I had finally started to fall asleep, he started fussing again. And I couldn't help myself. I had tears in my eyes (no sobbing though) and all I could say was "Please God I need you to sleep." And Terry got up to take him, but it didn't mean respite for me, I couldnt just lay there and go back to sleep, because I had to fricking pump. So up I went again to relieve the aching of needing to pump. And after a machine tugs on one's nipples for 20 minutes, you can't exactly drift immediately back into sleep. Or at least I can't.
Terry is usually snoring before his head hits the pillow. I am very envious.
So anyway, that is the story of how a gremlin night brought me to my knees. I've since gotten about an hour and thirty minute nap, thanks to Terry, so I feel somewhat more human again. Only somewhat though :).
3 comments:
Hi Erin.
I really feel for you. Wish we were closer so we could give you a break. Someday (hopefully soon!), you will all be laughing about this and it will be a far memory. I know it's doubly hard because you want to give the little guy all the good nourishment you can with the breast milk, and that pumping schedule is really awful. But, you are doing a wonderful thing. I think you and Terry just need to try to wake him up more during the day, and maybe he'll sleep a little longer at night?!? I have no idea if it will work, and maybe you are already trying that, but it's worth a shot if you can make it work. Hope he's a Gizmo tonight! Hugs, Denyse
oh hon, it gets easier...pumping at night is awful...what about just nursing and pumping once--I usually found the kiddos are more efficient than the pump so doesn't take as long. Sooner than you think his tummy will hold more & he won't need to eat as often, too...hang in there, kiddo!
If it means anything to you Erin..you are my hero!! You and Terry are doing an amazing job!!
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