Update: in the hospital, birth within next few days

I'm blogging from a hospital bed in the Prentice "antepardum" (before birth) room. This morning at 5:30 AM I went to the bathroom, and when I returned to bed I told Terry I was pretty sure my water broke. It wasn't the big dramatic gush from Hollywood, but a slow leak. I waited in bed for another hour and then by 6:30 I was sure. So then phone calls to the OB, and we were told that because I am preterm (only 33.5 weeks) we had to go into the hospital.

This is made really ironic because just yesterday the brakes on our car failed. So we were without car suddenly and with need to get downtown to the hospital. I proposed the bus. Terry laughed at me. So we called up Gabrielle because she is wonderful and amazing and had already offered to drive us to the hospital back before we bought our car and were carless. And because she's always up early. So at 7AM Gab showed up, with little Savino tucked in his car seat, and drove us down to Prentice. We grabbed some stuff on our way out (a handful of granola bars, the gatorade I'd bought for the birth bag, a bottle of water) and off we went.

Somehow I couldnt really wrap my head around the idea that this made birth imminant, and so rushing around to try to pack a full bag seemed silly. The baby was only 33.5 weeks. He couldn't come early. I had been mentally preparing for all sorts of alternatives: what if I was strep B positive and had to have IV antibiotics? What if he was breech? what if what if. But never what if a healthy, active, eating well 29 year old women inexplicably goes into labor 6 weeks early. Never that.

Because I wasnt being admitted as someone in active labor, they had me waiting in a waiting room rather than triage. At some point I had to delicately point out that if they didnt get me to a room soon I was going to puddle all over their waiting room chairs, in the middle of a gabby group of family member's who knew some other woman delivering at the time.

They monitor, they test, the poke and prod a little and confirm what now seems obivous. My water has broken.

The medical dish is that being past 32 weeks is very very good. Getting to 34 weeks is another hurdle that would be awesome. So while they arent going to do anything to postpone labor if it starts spontaneously, they aren't going to induce me until Saturday when I'm 34 weeks. they are going to give me a shot of steroids today and tomorrow to try to help speed up his lung maturation, because lungs and brain are really what he's still working on at this point. We get some pep talks about how most babies born this early catch up developmentally before they go into kindergarten. While this is meant to reassure, I can also read the flip side: it means that developmental delays are concerning enough to mention that the upside is that he will likely catch up sometime in the next four to five years. Awesome. bring on the waterworks.

It is far too easy for me to blame myself, and to search for some place where I went wrong. I tried so so hard to be a good vessel for this baby. I followed the pregnancy diet, and got lots of vegetables, protein, whole grains, citrus fruits, eggs. It was weird and inconvenient but I did it for the baby. I remained active with moderate exercise like walking the treadmill, swimming, and yoga, all the while carefully monitoring my heart rate to make sure I didn't over exert myself. And even with everything it wasn't enough. Somehow it just felt like I'd failed to do this most essential task of protecting my son and giving him a safe place to grow until he was ready to meet the world.

Because he is preterm, it means almost all of our hopes and preferences for the birth have been taken away. I won't be able to labor in a labor tub or with a birthing ball. I won't be able to walk around at all in fact, as the doc wants me on bedrest. They dont want to allow me to use alternative birthing positions because they want to be able to get a really good look at him while he's coming. So I'll be flat on my back. And it is a confusing maze of things and when your doctor is telling you it gives your son a better shot at avoiding negative health outcomes, there is little you can do but nod and pray and hope that your doctor is making the call in your best interests.

The only choice left to me is to try to avoid the epidural if I can, but at this point everything is stacked against me. Breaking the waters early makes for a harder more painful labor. If I have to be induced, they want to use an aggressive Pitocin protocol on me, which is also known for making a much more difficult labor. But it seems like the only gift I have left to give him, to spare him any exposure to drugs in the uterus, and so I will do my damnest, even with so many of the tools we have carefully cultivated taken away from me. So I will play my soothing music, imagine my happy place (campfire ring at Anokijig), have Terry for encouragement, and have the force of my will. Fingers crossed for me.

We appreciate everyone's well wishes. It is wonderful but also a little overwhelming. Please don't worry if we cannot or do not respond. We are trying to take the time we have here to prepare for all the new things that will have to do with insuring and caring for a baby who will spend time in the NICU. We have to practice the relaxation techniques and scripts that we have because that is the main tool for natural pain relief that we have left.

Please pray that the baby is all right. That he is little and young but healthy and strong. Small but mighty my mom said. And it made me think of the little engine that could. and that made me cry some more.